By definition, divorce is devastating to families. It represents the end of the status quo and the beginning of a new, unknown future. For children this presents a high level of stress, just as parents are going through one of the worst times in their lives.
Protecting your children while you’re undergoing a divorce is no simple matter. Children’s needs vary by age, and no two situations are exactly the same. To protect your kids from the traumatizing effects of divorce, follow some basic rules and make sure the lines of communication are always open.
- Children, like all of us, fear the unknown. When parents separate, most kids don’t know what to expect. The difference with children is that they have wild imaginations, and will often make up the end of the story before they get all of the information. They might blame themselves, or think that one parent or the other doesn’t love them anymore. Be honest and direct with your kids about the situation, and calm their fears by offering comfort. Be age-appropriate with the information you share, and focus on the things that won’t change, like your love for them.
- Children rely on their parents for emotional cues. If you are showing signs of obvious distress, they will notice – even if they don’t say anything. Keep your emotions in balance during the divorce, and seek outlets with peers or a therapist for your own feelings of anger, fear, hostility, and sadness.
- The way parents interact affects the kids more than you might realize. Making a commitment to co-parenting during and after the divorce is one of the best things you can do for your children. It’s easy to devolve into arguments and laying blame on the other parent, especially when divorce proceedings are heating up your temper. Just remember that the other person is also your child’s parent, and letting them hear you bash them or complain about their actions isn’t helping your kids.
- Take the responsibility to put your kids first by making a co-parenting plan. Discuss with your ex the rules for bedtime, study habits, and disciplinary measures. It will help you present a unified front with the children, and will help them maintain a sense of stability.
- Limit the contact children have with divorce lawyers, custody evaluators, and other court related matters. Don’t discuss the details of financial matters and other information related to the divorce, except as needed to address their concerns.
- Agree to a parenting time schedule with your ex and stick to it. Maintaining a routine is especially important during this time.
Divorce is a very stressful time for everyone involved, and your children are going to be affected. The only thing you can do is limit the negative impact of the divorce on your kids, and be sure to seek professional help for your children if they don’t seem to be adjusting