The end of any relationship can be turbulent, as emotions run high and can often take over our better selves. But ending a violent marriage can be outright dangerous, and is a big reason why victims of domestic violence stay in a relationship with their abusers for so long. It’s important to know that help is out there, and there is life beyond the abusive relationship.
- Always put safety first. If your wellbeing is in jeopardy, or you fear for the safety of your children, it’s important to get out of the dangerous environment without risking additional harm. Contact your local domestic violence shelter to find out what services they can offer. You may be able to temporarily reside in a secret location while divorce proceedings are underway.
- Talk to a lawyer. Divorce lawyers are skilled in the federal and state laws that protect victims of domestic abuse. There may be legal steps you can take to protect yourself while ending the relationship.
- Develop a safety plan. Work with a social worker or counselor to develop a plan of action. Talk through all of the what-if scenarios that frighten and often paralyze domestic violence victims. Create a list of safe places and safe people that you can talk to about what’s going on. Evaluate your support network to determine what resources you might have available to you.
- Gather your documents. If you plan to leave the family home and go to a domestic violence shelter, it is essential that you bring with you any documents you will need that support your case, even if you don’t plan on pressing charges. Be sure to also collect any financial records and other documents you will need in the divorce proceedings. Ask your lawyer to give you a list of things to look for.
- Prepare your finances. If you have shared bank accounts and credit cards, your spouse could cut you off financially upon discovering you have left. Be sure to have cash on hand, even if you have to borrow from friends or family members in your support network. Be sure you can trust the people you’re counting on, and emphasize the importance of keeping the information confidential.
- Pack up and leave. In many cases, domestic violence victims have to flee in a hurry and leave important things behind. If you can, be sure to gather all current medications for yourself and your children, if applicable. Pack some extra clothes and a first aid kit, and be sure to bring your most treasured personal items. This goes double for kids. A special blanket or stuffed animal will bring comfort in times of stress.
Leaving your spouse is never an easy decision. Remember that you don’t have to hate your abuser in order to leave the dangerous situation. Conflicted feelings are normal, and you should not be ashamed of loving your spouse. Just be sure you are safe and that your children are out of harm’s way.